Fun With Hate Radio

A fun and easy way to get your message out to thousands, even millions of people, is through the medium of talk radio. Although firmly in the trenches of the right, it's still possible to get a liberal point of view onto the airwaves by following these easy steps:

1) When the screener asks you what you want to talk about, be sure and tell them something relatively innocuous but tangentially relatable to the point you want to make.

2) If possible, use a slightly southern or hick accent - they're more likely to put you on and the AM audience is more likely to relate to you.

3) Don't go straight to your main point - get there incrementally. Remember there's a seven-second delay and they'll cut you off if you go too far or get there too fast.

Topic: Ad submitted to Moveon.org comparing Bush to Hitler

Screener: "Whaddaya wanna say to Drudge?"

Me: "Yeah, I'm a member of MoveOn.org and I just think this whole Bush-Hitler thing is ridiculous!"

Screener: "Alright... hold for Drudge and go straight to your point. Don't ask him how he's doing, okay?"

Drudge: Line Five, Jason in California, you're on the air.

Jason (me): Oh yeah, hey there Matt. This business about Bush being Hitler, that's just ridiculous... Hitler's Dead!

Drudge: Well they say it's not Auschwitz yet... it's coming, it's not yet.

Jason: Bush is a lot more like David Koresh the way I see it. Y'know he talks to God, he's got a little ranch outside of Waco - sees everything in terms of good and evil... He ain't no Hitler.

Drudge: uh...

Jason: Just 'cuz his grandpa supported Hitler, an' maybe his dad might've supported Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden... y'know, ya can't tar George W. with the sins of his fathers...

Drudge: Well, y'know they try, they try... yes...

Jason: Now I just wanted to say...

Drudge: As they salute Armand Hammer, right...

Jason: Now I just wanted to say a little thing about dirty laundry... and uh, now we got what? We got 485 people dead, we got somethin' like 2,700 seriously wounded over there... That's over thirty-two hundred blood-soaked U.S. uniforms, y'know? An' I'm thinkin' we impeached Clinton over one lousy dress. Ain't that funny? Ah mean... Ain't that a hoot? Makes me think what-the-hell, who says a superpower can't be a laughingstock? Y'know what I mean?

Drudge: Thank you sir... (hangs up) Yeah, he was, he was real clever. I think maybe he was submitting his 30 second ad here that we'll have Michael Moore and Donna Brazil judge tomorrow. He's a Bushwhacker... he's one of the original Bushwhackers.

Alan Colmes

Topic: The Catholic Church and the War in Iraq

Guest: Father Donahue, a stridently pro-war priest who holds the War in Iraq adheres to the Church's notion of a "Just War", (no matter what the Pope says...)

Me: "Jason from Oceanside" (with mild hick/Nascar dad accent)

Warning: This text gets very graphic.

Jason: "Thanks for having me on Alan - I consider myself to be a god-fearing Christian and a big supporter of my country and I just wanna tell you about the sermon I listened to yesterday in church. The subject was "Who would Jesus Bomb?" and the answer was pretty much 'nobody.' The major point the p riest was making was that bombing, ALL bombing... was just plain cowardly, and it didn't matter if it was us doing it or anybody else, but what it all boiled down to was that bombing is cowardly and Jesus wouldn't support it. And he said his inspiration for the sermon had come from the Pentagon itself - when they said the reason they thought the Iraqi Army folded so quickly was because they were mostly just conscripts, y'know... just kids pulled from outta their villages... So I gotta wonder why, y'know... why we gotta kill all these kids who had nothin' to do with it... "

Alan: So what do you say father? This is what's being said in some churches."

Father Donahue: Uhhh yeah, I think they should find another religion - why don't they become Quakers? My religion, Roman Catholicism, rejects that totally and that's why they have the most sophisticated understanding of what a Just War...

Alan Colmes: This is priests who are saying this... Catholic Priests!

Father Donohue: That's right and you'll find, uh, no end to the number of nuns in this country who are pro-abortion and nobody wants to talk about that - all I'm telling you is they don't represent the teachings of the Catholic Church. The teachings of the Catholic church are found in the catechism, the ministry of the Pope and...

Alan Colmes: Alright Jason, thanks for your call...

Jason: May I? May I just interject one more time?

AC: Yes.

Jason: The most striking thing that he talked about was something called "overpressure", which is not the explosive force of the bomb but the pressure wave that radiates around the bomb... and that what that does is that it implodes the sinuses and the eardrums of the people who are there...

AC: Yeah, Bombing isn't good for ya...

Jason: and that what happens is your cerebral spinal fluid - your brain fluid, leaks out through your nose and through your ears...

AC: Right...

Jason: And that you don't die right away... You're as good as dead, but you don't die right away...

AC: (Uncomfortable) Right, right... right.

Jason: And that these are just kids... That was the point he was really trying to make - these were just kids pulled outta villages! and they don't have a Chance! They didn't have a Chance to fight back... And they just gotta lie there - starin' up at the sky and prayin' to whatever God they got to pray to...

AC: (Throughout) Uh, yeah, right... right, uh right...

Jason: While their brain fluid is drippin' out through their nose and through their ears...

AC: Uh Jason I gotta move on...

Jason: And it's our tax dollars that are payin' for this...

AC: Uh, Jason, thank you for your call, I thank you very much.

Stacy Taylor

Topic: Environmental Protection Agency halts construction of a strip mall because it's site is the only known habitat for a particular species of fly.

Screener: "Stacy Taylor Show."

Me: (thick southern accent) "Yeah, ah've been a hunter just about all my life and frankly ah've just about had it with these environmentalist whackos!"

Screener: "Okay, what's your name and where you from?"

Me: "I'm Phil callin' from Ocean Beach."

Stacy Taylor: Okay now let's go to... Phil from Ocean Beach...

Phil: Hey Stacy... I tell ya, this fly thing - it's them 'environmentalist whackos I'm tellin' ya...

Stacy: Them environmentalist whackos...

Phil: I tell ya... I'm a Bald Eagle hunter myself, and I can't tell ya...

Stacy: (laughs) A bald eagle hunter huh?

Phil: Yep, an' I can't tell you the problems I have huntin' eagles an' it's all because of this "endangered species"... bull! If ya ask me...

Stacy: Are you doin'... are you being a little sarcastic here Phil?

Phil: Not at all sir, not at all. Musta been five years ago I saw a bald eagle try to take away a little baby from its mother (voice cracking with emotion) an' ever since then I've dedicated my life to exterminating Bald Eagles from the face of this planet... and believe me, it's not an easy job!

Stacy: Uhh, yeah, I'm sure... I'm sure it's tough out there. Look uh, there's an organization out there just for you man, and the organization... have you heard of PETA?

Phil: PETA?!

Stacy: I don't mean People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, I mean the alternate version, it's called People Eating Tasty Animals.

Phil: (laughs) Well, lemme tell ya I actually have had Bald Eagle and it's not a bad tasting bird!

Stacy: You have not! What're you talkin' about man?

Phil: Well, you can believe what you like...

Stacy: You've eaten Bald Eagle.

Phil: Yessir. Lord knows them flies probably ain't too tasty though.

Stacy: Yeah, otherwise they'd all be dead.

Phil: Well I'm workin' on them Eagles for the same damn reason.

Stacy: Phil, just work on the flies, leave the eagles alone - they're a symbol of this great country for cryin' out loud.

Phil: Yeah, well that's what they say - they say it's an endangered species an all but as far as I'm concerned, that don' mean nothin'!

Stacy: Okay, okay... thanks for the call Phil. Chill out now.

I made this call about a week after Savage lost his cable TV show for exploding at a caller he termed a "sodomite" and saying he should "die of AIDS". I was hoping with my call to bait him into saying something similarly stupid and possibly getting him off the airwaves entirely. Failing that, I hoped I might give him an aneurysm. Came pretty damn close too.

Savage: Okay, I wanna hear from you callers out there, the ones who were raised by leftist parents... all you red-diaper doper babies out there. I wanna hear if you liked them, if they screwed you up, whatever. Our first call's from Justin in Los Angeles. Justin, welcome to the Savage Nation.

Justin (Me): Hi Michael. I'm definitely one of those kids-of-leftists. My father was very big into civil rights and poverty issues back in the sixties. I hate to disappoint you though: he wasn't a hippie or anything like that, he was more a nerdy kind of activist, you know, the kind with short hair...

Savage: Uh-huh.

Justin: And I guess, 'cuz he spent a lot of time trying to help out other people and his causes and the like, he wasn't really home all that much, or not as much as he could've been, and I know it must've had some impact on the family, but y'know what?

Savage: What?

Justin: You aren't fit to lick his boots.

Savage: (enraged) What?! What the hell do you know about me? What the hell do you know about anything? You don't know anything about me, about what I've done... about my work in nutrition, in conservation... anything! How would you know anything about me?

Justin: Well, I hear what you say on the radio...

Savage: You don't know anything! You're just stupid, like the rest of them, what do you know?

Justin: I've heard your mother still cries when you try to seduce her.

Savage: WHAT! YOU BASTARD! You FILTHY FILTHY BASTARD! You just come here and say that! You just come down to the studio... any time any place, I swear to god you filthy, filthy miserable leftist commie son of a bitch...(etc. etc. for another minute or two...)